The Christmas Party
By
The Red Shadow
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Scene 1:
As the opening credits roll, we see the department floor bustling with customers. A small, lighted Christmas tree sits on top of the center display stand. Ivy, holly, and garland line the counters of the Ladies and Gentlemen’s departments as well as the borders of the lift doors. The large flower pots at the top of the stairs near the lifts contain poinsettias. The camera focuses on the Gentlemen’s counter.

Mr. Humphries (handing a package across the counter to a male customer): “And here you are sir. You know, you’re very lucky that I was able to find a swimsuit in stock this time of year! Are you heading some place warm for the holidays?”

Customer: “No, no. It’s a Christmas present for a friend of mine. He’s a polar bear.”

Mr. Humphries (looking at the customer with a confused expression on his face): “A what?”

Customer: “A polar bear. You know; he belongs to one of those groups that like to jump into frigid water during the winter.”

Mr. Humphries: “Oh, I saw something about them on the tele! They sure don’t seem to mind the cold temperature.” (Humphries smiles as he says this.)

Customer: “You’re right! To be honest, I’ve tried it myself, and well, frankly…” (The customer leans in towards Mr. Humphries and motions for Mr. Humphries to lean in, which he does.) “…it gets very hard.”

Mr. Humphries (quickly losing his smile): “I beg your pardon?”

Customer: “Jumping into frigid water. It’s a hard thing to do.” 

Mr. Humphries: “Oh, I see! Well, I think I’ll keep me water activities limited to the warmer months of the year. Merry Christmas to you and your friend!” 

The customer walks away from the counter, and the camera sweeps across the busy floor to the Ladies’ counter. We see several customers standing in front of the counter, looking at various display items. A handsome gentleman of about forty pushes through the customers to the front of the counter.

Customer (shouting): “Excuse me! I need a woman now!”

Miss Brahms, who is standing at one end of the counter, smiles and walks toward the customer. Mrs. Slocombe, who is at the other end of the counter and holding a scarf for a customer to look at, throws the scarf down and sprints toward the customer, pushing Miss Brahms aside just as she reaches him.

Mrs. Slocombe: Miss, Brahms, there’s a lady at the other end of the counter who needs some help looking at scarves.”  (Miss Brahms rolls her eyes and walks to the other end of the counter.)  “Now, sir, are you being served?”

Customer: “No. I need a sales associate’s opinion on perfumes.” 

Mrs. Slocombe: “Certainly, sir. Would this be a present for your sister, perhaps?”

Customer: “No, for my wife.”

Mrs. Slocombe (whispering to herself): “Damn.”  (Mrs. Slocombe then sweeps her hand across the perfume display).  “As you can see, sir, we have many to choose from. Might I suggest this one? It’s called ‘Naughty But Nice.’” (She raises her eyebrows up and down several times and smiles while handing the bottle to the customer.)

Customer (after taking a sniff of the perfume): “Oh, no. That’s too powerful. I’m looking for something with a very faint scent.”

Mrs. Slocombe: “I see. Your wife must have good taste and believes that a subtle scent is an inviting one.”

Customer: “On the contrary. It is I that wishes the scent to be subtle. Subtle enough that it doesn’t drown-out the scent of the vinegar that I’ll be adding to the bottle.” 
Mrs. Slocombe (taking a step back): “I beg your pardon, sir.”
Customer: “I’ll be adding vinegar to the bottle of perfume.”
Mrs. Slocombe: “Yes, that’s what I thought you said. And may I ask for what purpose you will be doing this?” 
Customer: “It’s my wife’s boss. She works as his secretary, and I think he has his eye on her. My wife tells me that he likes to hover close to her when she’s typing. There are times she can feel his breath on the back of her neck. I thought the aroma of vinegar would keep him back a few paces.” 
Mrs. Slocombe (smiling): “I see. Won’t you excuse me for a moment, sir?” (Mrs. Slocombe walks to the end of the counter where Miss Brahms is helping the customer looking at scarves. She grabs the scarf out of Miss Brahms’ hand.)  “On second thoughts, you can attend to that gentleman customer, Miss Brahms.” 

We hear the lift bell sound, and the camera focuses on one of the lifts. The doors open, and Mr. Mash and two of the cleaning ladies step out. They are wearing winter coats, scarves, mittens, and carrying caroling books. Another assistant wearing similar clothes steps out of the lift while pushing along a fake street lamp and carrying a box. The box contains fake snow, which he starts to sprinkle over Mr. Mash and the cleaning ladies as they start to sing, “Hark, the Herald Angles Sing!” They are noticeably out of tune. After two lines of the carol, the store closing bell rings. 

Captain Peacock (standing in the center of the floor): “I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but the store is now closing. Thank you for shopping with us; we will open again at 9 o’clock on Monday morning.” 

The customers start walking up the stairs, towards the lifts. 

Mr. Mash (tearing-off his hat, coat, and scarf): “Oh, blimey! I’m burning up in these clothes…as Mae West said to the fireman.” (A couple of the female customers gasp while walking by him on their way to the lifts.) 
Captain Peacock: “That’ll do, Mash. As you can see, there are still customers within earshot, so I would ask you to please keep quiet.” 
Mr. Mash: “You can ask all you like, Captain Peacock, but the store is now closed, and your authority over me ended when that closing bell rang.”  (Mr. Mash points toward the ceiling.)
Captain Peacock (looking angry): “Don’t question my authority, Mr. Mash. And another thing; the ladies department ran out of black synthetic stockings over an hour ago. I asked you to bring more up from the stockroom.” 
Mr. Mash (walks down the stairs, towards Captain Peacock): “I’m sorry, sir, but I was too busy with this Christmas caroling, wasn’t I? Young Mr. Grace asked us to keep to a set schedule. You asked me to get more stockings at exactly 2:26, but we were due to start “Silent Night” in Haberdashery at 2:30. I simply didn’t have time to get down to the stockroom and back up here again!” (He tilts his head upwards and away from Captain Peacock.) 
Captain Peacock (looking intensely at Mr. Mash): “Well, get them now.” 
Mr. Mash: “Again, the closing bell has rung, Captain Peacock. And besides, the Christmas party is starting in an hour. I need time to change out of these dirty overalls and get into my best suit.”

Mr. Mash walks off, up the stairs. Captain Peacock grunts and then turns towards the Ladies’ Department. 

Captain Peacock: “Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, are you free?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “We’re free, Captain Peacock.” 
Captain Peacock: “Then please step this way.”  (He turns to the Gentlemen’s Department.)  “Mr. Grainger, if you and your assistants are free, will you please join us? We have an important matter to discuss.” 
Mr. Grainger: “Coming right away, Captain Peacock.” 

All the staff is now standing on either side of Captain Peacock in the center of the floor. 

Captain Peacock: “As you are all aware, our Christmas party starts in an hour, and we still don’t have a present for Mr. Rumbold. I checked on the price of executive briefcases, and I’m afraid they are out of our price range. Are there any last minute suggestions?” 
Mr. Lucas: “How ‘bout a fake wig to keep his head warm this winter?” 
Captain Peacock: “Please be serious, Mr. Lucas. Time is not on our side.” 
Miss Brahms: “We could get him a nice plant to put in his office. It’s so drab in there.” 
Captain Peacock: “Hmmmm. What do you think of that, Mrs. Slocombe?
Mrs.Slocombe: “It’s a bit impersonal, don’t you think? And it’s not what he wants.”
Captain Peacock: “Do you know what Mr. Rumbold would like for Christmas, Mrs. Slocombe?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Actually, I do, Captain Peacock. I have the answer that we’ve all been looking for.” 

There’s a pause, as Mrs. Slocombe waits for someone to ask what it is. After several seconds, Mr. Lucas speaks. 

Mr. Lucas: “Well, go on!” 
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I happened to pop down to the novelty candles department during my tea break this morning. Who should I see there but Mr. Rumbold? I was very discreet. I bent down behind the candelabras and watched him for a few minutes. I couldn’t help but notice that he kept looking at a certain item.” 
Captain Peacock: “And what was that, Mrs. Slocombe?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “A gigolo!” 
Mr. Humphries (quickly looking at Mr. Lucas): “When did they start selling those in novelty candles?” 
Captain Peacock: “I’m not sure you’re using the correct term, Mrs.Slocombe. Could you describe the item in more detail?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “You know, one of those round balls that you shake, and the snow goes flying all over inside it.” 
Miss Brahms: “That’s a ‘jiggle globe!’ I’ve got one with a semi-nude rugby player inside of it. He’s standing there with his feet covered in snow. You shake it up, and his arms and legs go thrashing all over.” 
Mr. Humphries: “What a coincidence! I’ve got one of those too!” 
Mr. Lucas (looking at Mr. Humphries): “I wouldn’t have thought a semi-nude rugby player was your sort of jiggle globe.” 
Mr. Humphries: “Actually, it was me mother’s. She threw it at my dad one day, and part of the rugby player snapped off. She was going to throw it away, but I thought it’d make a nice paper weight, so I kept it.” 
Mr. Lucas: “What was it that snapped off; an arm or a leg?” 
Mr. Humphries: “No.” (He smiles and raises his eyebrows.) 
Captain Peacock: “If I may return this conversation to the matter at hand, we were discussing a present for Mr. Rumbold. Now, Mrs. Slocombe, what kind of jiggle globe was he looking at?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Oh, Captain Peacock! It was a beautiful Christmas village scene. It had snow-covered cottages, carolers, and pine trees.” 
Captain Peacock: “Did you happen to notice the price?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “12 pounds with the staff discount.” 
Captain Peacock: “That’s two pounds each. It’s a bit more than we wanted to spend, but given our time limit, I think we have no choice. Now, we have just under an hour until the store Christmas party. Do you think you could pop down to novelty candles before the staff leave and purchase the jiggle globe?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “I’d be happy to.” 
Captain Peacock: “Good. That’s done. Now, don’t forget that this year’s Christmas party is not going to be held here in the store. Due to a delay in remodeling, Young Mr. Grace has had to rent a banquet hall for the evening.” 
Miss Brahms: “I think it’ll be nice to have the party in more posh surroundings.” 
Mr. Grainger: “I agree! The Christmas party has been held here in the store ever since I joined the staff. I’m quite looking forward to waltzing in a proper ballroom this year.” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Well, I think the least Young Mr. Grace could have done was to hire transport for all of us. The banquet hall is almost half a mile from here!” 
Miss Brahms: “But if you had someone driving you directly there, you wouldn’t be able to stop at that pub you know on the way.” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “That’ll do, Miss Brahms.” 
Mr. Lucas: “I don’t care if it’s held here or somewhere else, the food will taste the same.” 
Captain Peacock: “You’ll be pleasantly surprised to hear, Mr. Lucas, that tonight’s dinner will not be prepared by our canteen. The banquet hall has their own cooking staff, and I hear they are quite excellent.” (Mr. Lucas and Mr. Humphries look at each other and smile.) 
Miss Brahms: “Oh, goody!” 
Captain Peacock: “Well, then, we better get moving. We all need to change into our evening wear and then get to the banquet hall. I trust that we will enjoy ourselves tonight.” 

The staff starts to disperse. We see them walking towards their respective fitting room areas as the camera starts to fade. 

Scene 2 
We see a banquet room with numerous tables and chairs which are located on either side of the room. In the center of the room is an open area for dancing. In the center of this space is a tall Christmas tree. Behind the tree and off to the side, we see a piano and two chairs for a violinist and cellist. The room is decorated with standard Christmas decorations: garland, Christmas lights, etc.. Only a few people are about, but that includes Mr. Rumbold and Mr. Mash. Mr. Rumbold is wearing a tuxedo with a green handkerchief in his jacket pocket. Mr. Mash is wearing a suit and sitting at a table on the left side of the room. Mr. Rumbold, carrying a cocktail, walks over to that table. 

Mr. Rumbold: “Mr. Mash, I reserved this table for my department. The maintenance staff has their own table over there.” (He points to the right side of the room.) 
Mr. Mash: “Oh, I see. Even after hours, the Grace Brothers hierarchy still reigns supreme.”
Mr. Rumbold: “And I see that even after hours, the maintenance staff’s sarcastic attitude still applies.”
Mr. Mash: “Ok, ok, Mr. Rumbold. I’ll just move my lowly self over to the other side.”  (He gets up and takes a few steps toward the right side of the room.)  “Scrooge.” 

A few more people enter, including Captain Peacock, who is wearing a similar tuxedo to Mr. Rumbold’s but has a red handkerchief in the jacket pocket. He walks over to the table where Mr. Rumbold is sitting. 

Mr. Rumbold: “Good evening, Captain Peacock. Isn’t your wife joining us?” 
Captain Peacock: “Not this year, sir. My wife is away this week, visiting her sister. Oh, look! The blow ticklers are already on the table.” (Captain Peacock picks one up, places it in his mouth, and blows.) 
Mr. Rumbold: “I see. I’m afraid my wife is under the weather this evening. It looks like you and I are both doing it alone this year.” 
Captain Peacock (looking strangely at Mr. Rumbold): “You could put it that way.” 

The next thing we hear is someone being slapped in the entryway to the room. A young woman quickly walks into the room looking angry. In behind her walks Mr. Lucas, gently rubbing the left side of his face. He’s wearing the same suit he wore to work that day. Around his head is a band that holds a stick which points up and outward from his forehead. Hanging on the end of the stick is a piece of mistletoe. He walks up to the table where Mr. Rumbold and Captain Peacock are sitting. He re-adjusts the mistletoe apparatus so it is now pointing out a little more. 

Mr. Lucas: “Isn’t it a shame that some of today’s generation don’t appreciate the old Christmas customs?” 
Captain Peacock (looking at the mistletoe apparatus): “Where on earth did you get that, Mr. Lucas?” 
Mr. Lucas: “I made it myself, Captain Peacock. It worked so well on my walk here from the store that I’m thinking about patenting it. Hey, where’s your wife?” 
Captain Peacock: “She’s away and won’t be joining us tonight.” 
Mr. Lucas: “I see.” (He points to the mistletoe apparatus.) “You can borrow this later on, if you like.” 
Captain Peacock: “That won’t be necessary, Mr. Lucas.” 
Mr. Lucas (looking towards the right side of the room): “Hey! There’s a nice looking bird at the bar. I’m going to get myself a drink and a kiss.” (He adjusts the apparatus and gets up and walks across the room.) 

In walk Mr. and Mrs. Grainger. They are both nicely dressed, Mr. Grainger in a tuxedo and Mrs. Grainger in a long evening dress. They walk over to the table. 

Mr. Grainger: “Good evening, Mr. Rumbold and Captain Peacock. I believe you remember my wife from last year.” 
Mr. Rumbold: “Indeed we do. Welcome to both of you. Please, sit down.” 
Mr. Grainger: “I must say; this is quite a nice place. It sure gives the Christmas party a more formal feel this year.” 
Captain Peacock: “I agree, Mr. Grainger. I think Young Mr. Grace has hit the perfect balance. The location is classier, but the party doesn’t seem too stuffy. It’s still a fun place to unwind.” (Captain Peacock picks-up his blow tickler and places it in his mouth. Miss Hearst walks-up behind him. She is wearing a rather tight red cocktail dress. She taps him on the shoulder, and Captain Peacock turns around and looks at her. He immediately blows into his blow tickler, which whistles loudly.) 

The next to enter are Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe. Miss Brahms is wearing a red blouse and green miniskirt. Mrs. Slocombe is wearing a more formal evening dress. She stagers just a bit, and Miss Brahms holds onto her so she doesn’t fall. 

Miss Brahms: “You better sit down for a bit, Mrs. Slocombe. If you think you can make it all the way to the table.” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Don’t you worry, Miss Brahms. Mrs. Axlebee and I are used to walking with more martinis in us than what I have in me now.” 
Captain Peacock (as Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe slowly approach the table): “I take it that you found time to stop at that pub on the way, Mrs. Slocombe?” 
Mrs. Slocombe (giggling): “Just for a brief moment, Captain Pea…(she hiccups)…cock.” 
Mr. Rumbold: “I’ll go see if I can round-up some coffee for you, Mrs. Slocombe. The evening is young, and you’ll never be able to waltz like that.” (He gets up and walks toward the bar.) 
Captain Peacock: “Now, did you get the jiggle globe for Mr. Rumbold?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “I’m sorry, Captain Peacock, but by the time I got down to the novelty candles department, the staff were all gone.” 
Captain Peacock: “Really, Mrs. Slocombe. That’s not good enough. Now we’re back to where we were before; no present for Mr. Rumbold.” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Ah, don’t you worry, Captain Peacock. I happen to know a novelty store a couple of blocks down from here. I’ll pop out and get the gigolo...” 
Miss Brahms: “Jiggle globe.” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Jiggle globe in between dinner and dancing.” 

Mr. Lucas returns to the table and stands grinning behind Miss Brahms, who is sitting next to Mrs. Slocombe. He clears his throat, but when he does, Mrs. Slocombe lets-out a small scream, causing Mr. Lucas to turn his head towards her. His mistletoe is now hovering over Mrs. Slocombe’s head. She jumps up and throws her arms around him.. 

Mrs. Slocombe: “Oh, I do love the old customs!” (She proceeds to kiss Mr. Lucas with a bear hug of an embrace. He squirms, but she has a tight hold on him.) 
Mr. Lucas (eventually freeing himself from Mrs. Slocombe’s grip and looking shell shocked): “I think I might just take this off for a while.” (He takes-off the mistletoe apparatus and places it under the table and proceeds to sit down.) 

The camera focuses on the entryway, and Mr. Humphries is seen entering. He’s wearing a solid red suit with a white shirt. A long strand of green garland is thrown around his neck like a feather boa. He stops when a couple people in the crowd whistle at him. He smiles and then proceeds to the table. 

Mr. Lucas: “That’s quite a bulge you’ve got there in your pants, Mr. Humphries!” 
Mr. Humphries (reaching into his left pocket): “It’s a bag of toasted chestnuts, Mr. Lucas. I picked them up from a street vendor on my way here. I thought they might help tie us over until we’re served dinner.” (He pulls-out the bag of chestnuts and places it on the table.) 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Didn’t they burn you, Mr. Humphries?” 
Mr. Humphries: “On the contrary, Mrs. Slocombe. They were just the thing for this chilly weather.” 
Miss Brahms (looking through the bag of nuts): “Most of these chestnuts are all broken into little pieces.” 
Mr. Humphries:  “Yes, well, the vendor was almost sold out when I stopped. These are all he had left. Now, I must get meself a cocktail before the bar runs dry.” (Mr. Humphries walks off to towards the bar.) 
Mr. Rumbold (returning to the table with a cup of coffee): “Here, Mrs. Slocombe, drink this.” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Thank you, Mr. Rumbold. This will warm me up after that chilly walk. Oh, Captain Peacock, I see you’ve already chosen your blow tickler for the evening. After what you did with one of those last year, Miss Brahms and I will have to watch you like a hawk.” 
Mr. Lucas: “I don’t think you are in any danger, Mrs. Slocombe.” (Mrs. Slocombe glares at Mr. Lucas.) 

Next, we hear the music trio start to play, “He’s a Fine Old English Gentleman.” Young Mr. Grace, sitting in his wheelchair, is being pushed into the room by his nurse. His secretary is sitting on his lap. Everyone in the room stands and applauds. 

Mr. Grace: “Thank you, thank you. It’s a delight for me to welcome you to Grace Brothers’ Annual Christmas Party. I hope you enjoy the dinner and the dancing.” 
Mr. Rumbold (yelling): “Welcome, Mr. Grace! May I be the first to wish you a very merry Christmas? I believe I speak on behalf of my department, nay, on behalf of the entire store, when I say we are delighted that you have chosen such a fine facility in which to hold this year’s party. And I take it that I speak for everyone here when I say that your generosity has filled our hearts with Christmas cheer.” 
Mr. Grace (rolling his eyes): “Yes, I’m still considering that rise you asked about, Rumbold. Now, let the party begin!” (The crowd cheers and then everyone sits back down and starts talking.) 
Mr. Rumbold: “Are you feeling any better, Mrs. Slocombe?” 
Mrs. Slocombe: “Mr. Rumbold! I hope you aren’t inferring that I cannot handle a drink or two.” 
Mr. Lucas: “Or six.” 

Mrs. Slocombe: “Maths was never one of your better subjects, Mr. Lucas.” 

The serving staff enters the room and start to place dinner in front of everyone.

Mr. Grainger: “Oh, good. I’m quite hungry.”
Miss Brahms (holding up her plate and looking at Captain Peacock): “ ‘ere! What is this?”
Captain Peacock: “Duck a l’Orange, Miss Brahms.”
Miss Brahms: “What’s that in English, Captain Peacock?”
Captain Peacock (rolling his eyes): “It’s slowly roasted duck meat with a sauce made of oranges.”
Miss Brahms: “Oranges? Oh, I’ve never had tropical food before!”
Mrs. Slocombe (chewing a piece of food): “I say; this is very good. It’s quite an improvement over last year’s party.”  (pauses briefly)  “And the year before that. But I can’t help but think that it’s missing something.”
Captain Peacock: “Wild rice, perhaps?”
Mrs. Slocombe: “A gin and tonic. Mr. Lucas, I don’t suppose you’d go to the bar and procure one for me, would you? 
Mr. Lucas: “I just started to eat, Mrs. Slocombe!” 
Waiter serving dinner (who is young and quite handsome): “I’d be happy to bring you a gin and tonic, madam.”
Mrs. Slocombe (giggling slightly): “Why thank you. I’m glad to see there’s at least one gentleman in the room. Please ask the bartender to go light on the tonic.”  (She turns towards Miss Brahms)  “Too much tonic is bad for the digestive system.” 
Waiter: “It will be my pleasure.” (He bows slightly and then walks toward the bar area.)
Mr. Humphries (watching the waiter walk away): “Do you mind if I borrow your mistletoe, Mr. Lucas?”

Scene 3
We hear waltz music being played by the trio. As the camera focuses on the banquet hall, we see several people dancing around the center of the room. Included in this group of dancers are Mr. and Mrs. Grainger, Mr. Lucas and Miss Brahms. As the camera sweeps toward the staff table, we see Mr. Rumbold sitting a few tables over, talking to Young Mr. Grace. Finally, the camera focuses on the staff table. Captain Peacock and Mrs. Slocombe are the only two sitting there.

Captain Peacock: “Thank you for popping out and getting the jiggle globe, Mrs. Slocombe.”
Mrs. Slocombe (smiling in a silly manner and obviously very drunk): “Certainly. They had many to choose from, so I even picked one up for myself.”
Captain Peacock: “I hope you didn’t have any problem getting to the novelty shop.”
Mrs. Slocombe: “Oh, no, Captain Puh-puh-peacock! I’ve been there before, so I knew where it was.”
Captain Peacock: “That wasn’t quite what I meant. Still, I’m glad you were able to get there and back again.” (Mrs. Slocombe smiles with a big grin and starts to fall out of her chair, but Captain Peacock helps steady her.)
Mrs. Slocombe: “I think this waltz is too fast for me. Perhaps we should sit the next one out?”
Captain Peacock (pauses for a moment while looking at her): “What a good idea.”

Mr. Lucas and Miss Brahms now return to the table.

Mr. Lucas: “Say, that tropical food sure got your energy up. I think you’re ready for a limbo competition.”
Miss Brahms: “Well, it’s not often that I get to eat such exotic things.”
Captain Peacock: “Could I interest you in a dance, Miss Brahms?”
Mrs. Slocombe: “Oh, do feel free to cut in, Miss Brahms. I need to sit down.” (Everyone gives her a strange look.)
Miss Brahms: “I’d be delighted to…”
Miss Hearst (who has come running up behind Captain Peacock and interrupts Miss Brahms): “Stephen! Shall we dance?” (Captain Peacock stands up and starts to walk towards the dance floor but then quickly returns to the table to pick-up his blow tickler. Miss Brahms gives him a raised-eyebrow look.)
Mr. Lucas: “Your prince just left, Miss Brahms.”
Miss Brahms: “That’s enough, Mr. Lucas.”

Mr. Humphries comes walking up to the table and sits down. He’s wearing Mr. Lucas’ mistletoe device on his head, but the garland around his neck is now torn to pieces and his suit jacket and shirt are disheveled. 

Mr. Humphries (taking the mistletoe device off of his head and placing it on the table): “You’re right, Mr. Lucas. It works!”
Mr. Lucas (looking at how messy Mr. Humphries is): “Why don’t you keep it, Mr. Humphries?”
Mr. Humphries (smiling): “With pleasure, Mr. Lucas.” (Mr. Humphries picks-up the apparatus and places it under the table.)
Mr. Mash (who has just walked up to the table): “I see the party is a bit too much for her.” (He points to Mrs. Slocombe, who is now asleep.)
Mr. Lucas: “That reminds me. Where’s Mr. Grainger?”
Mr. Mash: “Oh, he and the misses are over there, dancing up a storm. Or at least a light sprinkle.”
Miss Brahms (standing up to look at the dance floor): “Oh, isn’t that sweet. I just love Christmas!”
 
Suddenly, Captain Peacock comes running past the table. Miss Hearst is chasing him and blowing his blow tickler. They are both laughing and obviously having a good deal of fun.

Mr. Lucas: “Somebody get a bucket of cold water. They’re going to need it soon.”
Mr. Humphries: “How fortunate Mrs. Peacock is away, visiting her sister. I wonder if it’s a coincidence that she happened to be gone the week of the Christmas party.”
Mr. Mash: “It ain’t no coincidence, Mr. Humphries. I overheard Captain Peacock asking for the date of tonight’s party one morning when I was bringing Mr. Rumbold his tea.”
Mr. Lucas: “When was that?”
Mr. Mash: “Last February.”  (Mr. Humphries and Mr. Mash both snicker at each other.)  “Well, I’m off. I’ve had enough cheer to last me until March. Merry Christmas, everyone!” (Mr. Mash walks out of the room.)
Mr. Lucas: “Well, the night is too young to sit around here. I’m going to see if Wendy from the Gramophone department wants to dance.” (Mr. Lucas walks away.)
Mr. Humphries (looking at Miss Brahms): “I wonder if he’ll get anywhere without his mistletoe.”
Miss Brahms: “He didn’t get very far with it. Would you like a drink, Mr. Humphries? I’m feeling thirsty.”
Mr. Humphries: “I could go for something.” (Both Mr. Humphries and Miss Brahms stand up and start to walk towards the bar. Suddenly, Mrs. Slocombe wakes-up.)
Mrs. Slocombe: “I’ll take one too, Miss Brahms!” (She falls back asleep.)

We follow Mr. Humphries and Miss Brahms as they cross the dance floor. There are a few couples dancing, including the Graingers. Suddenly, the Christmas tree shakes, and we see Captain Peacock crawling around the bottom of it. Miss Hearst is using the blow tickler and following behind him on her knees. The Graingers almost trip over them. They stop dancing and stare down at them.

Mr. Grainger: “Are you alright, Stephen? Do you need help?”
Captain Peacock: “I’ll be just fine, Mr. Grainger. Don’t let us interrupt your dancing.”

 Mr. and Mrs. Grainger start to dance again, and the camera sweeps back to the staff table.

Mr. Rumbold (approaching the table, where Mrs. Slocombe is asleep in her chair): “Where is everyone?”

Mrs. Slocombe (startled awake at the sound of Mr. Rumbold’s voice):  “Oh, Mr. Rumbold! I didn’t see you there.”

Mr. Rumbold: “I asked where everyone was.”

Mrs. Slocombe: “I believe Mr. Lucas is out looking for a bucket of cold water.”

Mr. Rumbold: “Looking for a bucket of cold water? Why on earth is he doing that?”

Mrs. Slocombe: “To throw onto Captain Peacock.”

Mr. Lucas now walks up to the table carrying a glass of water.

Mrs. Slocombe: “You’ve got a pretty small one there, Mr. Lucas!”

Mr. Lucas: “I beg your pardon, Mrs. Slocombe?”

Mrs. Slocombe: “Captain Peacock will never respond to that.” (Mr. Lucas looks puzzled and whispers a “my God” to himself.)

Mr. Rumbold (looking at Mr. Lucas): “Where is Captain Peacock, Mr. Lucas?”

Mr. Lucas: “Last I saw, he was playing hide and seek with Miss Hearst ‘round the Christmas tree.”

Mr. Rumbold: “Oh, dear. That tree belongs to the banquet hall. If he harms it, he’ll pay for it.”

Mr. and Mrs. Grainger now walk up to the table and sit down.

Mr. Grainger: “I am beat. I haven’t danced that much in years.”

Mrs. Grainger: “You were wonderful out there, Earnest.” 

Mr. Grainger: “Yes, I do feel very light on my feet this evening. I think it must have been the brandy on the pudding.”

Mr. Humphries and Miss Brahms now walk up to the table. They are carrying drinks. Miss Brahms hands a drink to Mrs. Slocombe, who gulps it down before Miss Brahms can sit down.

Miss Brahms: “Oh, blimey. You were thirsty!”

Captain Peacock walks up to the table. He has lipstick on both cheeks, his hair is messed-up, and his clothes are disheveled. He looks tired and sits down.

Mr. Humphries: “Don’t tell me you did end-up wearing Mr. Lucas’ magical mistletoe!”

Captain Peacock (still catching his breath): “No I didn’t, Mr. Humphries.”

Mr. Humphries (his eyes go wide, and his lips pucker): “You always were a natural, Captain Peacock.”

Mrs. Slocombe: “That’s so true, Mr. Humphries. You should have seen him at the Christmas party in 1962!”

Captain Peacock: “To what are you referring, Mrs. Slocombe?”

Mrs. Slocombe: “Come now, Stephen. Surely you haven’t forgotten the difficult time we had getting your coattails unhooked from the door hinge in the fitting room?”

Mr. Lucas: “You’re no stranger to a bucket of cold water yourself, are you, Mrs. Slocombe?”

Mrs. Slocombe (giggles heavily): “Mr. Lucas, if it wasn’t for that drink I had earlier making me a little relaxed, I’d smack your ear ‘ole for saying that.” 

Mr. Rumbold: “Perhaps we could turn the conversation to a lighter topic? Mr. Grainger, I trust that you and your good lady wife have been having a nice evening?”

Mr. Grainger and Mrs. Grainger (in unison): “Yes, we have.” 

Mr. Rumbold: “Good. And Miss Brahms, what about you?”

Miss Brahms: “Oh, yes. It’s been a lot of fun.”

Mr. Rumbold: “I’m glad to hear it. I do think Young Mr. Grace chose a splendid location for the party this year. He certainly is a very generous man for giving us this party. The food, the entertainment, the decorations. What a gentleman!”

Captain Peacock: “You’ve done that bit already, sir.”

Mr. Rumbold: “Your sarcastic point did not go over my head, Captain Peacock. And how about you? Have you had a fun time this evening?”

Captain Peacock (straightening his hair): “Yes, I’d have to say that my evening has been rather enjoyable.”

Mr. Rumbold: “Good. I was worried that you would be bored without your wife here to join you.”

Mr. Lucas: “I’d be more worried if she was here to join him.”

Captain Peacock: “That’s enough, Mr. Lucas.”

Mr. Humphries (sounding sarcastic): “If things get any racier around here, I’m leaving.”

Mr. Rumbold (looking at his watch): “Well, it is past 9:30. If I was at home, I’d be in bed by now.”

Mr. Lucas (slightly nodding his head): “Me too, Mr. Rumbold. Me too.”

Mr. Rumbold: “Well, then, shall we call it an evening?”

Captain Peacock : “Not quite yet, Mr. Rumbold. I do have something to say.”

Mr. Rumbold: “What’s that, Stephen?”

Captain Peacock (standing up): “Mr. Rumbold, sir. I feel that fate has brought us all together to work on the same floor of Grace Brothers’. Your floor, sir. Your professionalism is inspiring, and we, your staff, feel fortunate to work under you. On this, the most festive of holidays, we would like to present you with a token of our appreciation.”

Miss Brahms (looking at Mrs. Slocombe): “Is he up for a rise too?” (Mrs. Slocombe shrugs her shoulders.)

Mr. Rumbold (with surprise in his voice): “Oh, I sure wasn’t expecting this!”

Mr. Lucas (sarcastic): “Neither was I.”

Captain Peacock: “If you would be up standing, Mr. Rumbold.”  (Mr. Rumbold stands up, sporting a large smile.)  “As I was saying, we would like to present you with a token of our appreciation.”  (Captain Peacock looks at Mrs. Slocombe, who has fallen asleep again.)   “Mrs. Slocombe!”

Mrs. Slocombe (waking up startled): “Yes, Captain Peacock?”

Captain Peacock: “Do you have the present for Mr. Rumbold?”

Mrs. Slocombe: “Oh, yes! I have it secreted under the table.” (She bends over to pick-up the present but then quickly sits up straight, looking dizzy.)  “Would you mind getting the present, Miss Brahms?”

Miss Brahms: “Of course, Mrs. Slocombe.” (She bends-over and picks-up a bright red bag with a green bow. She hands it to Captain Peacock.)

Captain Peacock: “This is for you, sir.” (He hands the package to Mr. Rumbold.)

Mrs. Slocombe: “Oh, Mr. Rumbold! Shake the bag real hard before you open it!”

Mr. Rumbold looks at Mrs. Slocombe with a puzzled look but then shakes the bag. He then begins to take the present out.

Mr. Rumbold: “Oh, a jiggle globe! I’ve had my eye on one of these!”

Captain Peacock: “We hope you like it, sir.”

Mr. Rumbold stares at the globe while the snow begins to settle. He then brings it close to his face and looks at it very intensely. 

Mr. Rumbold: “Is that a rugby player?”

You have been watching…

Mrs. Slocombe: Mollie Sugden

Mr. Humphries: John Inman

Captain Peacock: Frank Thornton

Mr. Lucas: Trevor Bannister

Mr. Grainger: Arthur Brough

Miss Brahms: Wendy Richard

Mr. Rumbold: Nicholas Smith

Mr. Mash: Larry Martyn

Young Mr. Grace: Harold Bennett

Nurse: Vivienne Johnson

Secretary: Penny Irving