RIDING THE RAILS

An ‘Are You Being Served?’ Fan-Script
By Joe Mathews
Dedication, Acknowledgements, & Disclaimers
This fan-script was written out of respect to honor the actors, the characters they portrayed, the writers who provided the material, and the producers of the ‘Are You Being Served?’ episodes whose work I have loved and enjoyed over the years.  This is homage only and is no substitute for the original.  
I am in no way intending to usurp the intellectual property of the BBC©.  This fictional work is completely UNOFFICIAL and UNAUTHORISED.  ‘Are You Being Served?’, ‘AYBS’, and ‘AYBS?’ are properties of the BBC©.
The characters portrayed are not of my creation.  I will not collect nor accept any monies for this work.  I have a copyright on the storyline of this work only.
I am the only one responsible for writing this fan-script.  If you love, hate, or feel mildly indifferent about this fanwork or have questions or concerns, please feel free to e-mail your compliments, complaints, or constructive criticism to me by e-mail at:
joe-mathews@charter.net – Subject: Riding the Rails Fanscript. 
And a special thanks to Minki.net and the Are You Being Served? Forever website for the opportunity to display my work.

Minki.net Disclaimer: The copyrighted characters are used in accordance with "Fair Use" guidelines. No financial profit is made off of this fanwork and the author(s) does not imply that they have ownership of the copyrights. Please contact the author(s) of this fanwork directly if you have any questions or concerns.

SCENE I
Prior to the store opening bell, the sales floor is empty.  The lift doors open and CAPTAIN PEACOCK emerges and walks to the center of the floor.  RUMBOLD also enters from the direction of his office, glasses in hand, looking serious. They meet at the bottom of the stairs.   The STAFF is nowhere to be seen.
RUMBOLD:	“Captain Peacock, I want a word with the staff.  Gather them around.”
PEACOCK:	“The staff is not on the floor, sir.”
RUMBOLD:	(Impatiently) “Not on the floor?  Its minutes before opening and I have a very urgent message from Young Mr. Grace to relay.”
PEACOCK:	(Calmly) “Is it about the S-D-R, sir?”
RUMBOLD:	“That is top secret, Peacock!  Where did you hear about the S-D-R?”
PEACOCK:	“From you, yesterday.  As you might recall, you called me into your office to come up with a battle plan to avoid the S-D-R.”
RUMBOLD:	“Oh, yes.  What was our solution?”
PEACOCK:	“Your solution was to delegate me to come up with a solution.  Then you left early by the back entrance.”
RUMBOLD:	(Bristling at the slight) “I had very important business to attend to.  Mr. Grace is looking to hire a new personal secretary and I went to scout some new candidates for the post.”
PEACOCK:	“Doesn’t he usually do that himself?”
RUMBOLD:	“Yes.  However, the last two hires he did on his own were a 19 year old art college drop-out and her friend, a want-to-be nude model.  Neither could take short-hand.  I started to grow concerned because Mr. Grace has fallen into the habit of replacing his signatures in official memos with sketches of a reclining nude female figure.” 
PEACOCK:	“Did you have any success finding him a replacement?”
RUMBOLD:	“I believe I have!  I found one that is an exceptional typist, takes short-hand dictation at conversational speed, is fluent in French, German, and Italian, and has ‘O’ levels in commercial accounting and business law.”
PEACOCK:	(Suspicious that someone with such high qualifications must have a catch) “What are her physical qualifications?”
RUMBOLD:	(Sheepishly) “Er… I’m hoping Mr. Reynolds’ physical qualifications are inconsequential.”  (PEACOCK rolls his eyes in disbelief.  RUMBOLD returns to the original subject).  “Now where is the staff?”
HARMAN:	(Shouting from off stage) “Make way for the Pantaloon Express!”  (Audience applause as MR. HARMAN wearing a train engineer’s hat and blowing a toy train whistle pulls in a rolling display rail of clothing. Tied to the end of the rail is another rail, and then another.  At each junction between rails is another member of staff to guide the way.  First is MRS. SLOCUMBE, followed by MISS BRAHMS, and MR. LUCAS.  Riding on the end of the final rail is MR. HUMPHRIES, waving a handkerchief like he’s saying farewell from the back of a caboose. All are singing.)  
SLOCUMBE, HUMPHRIES, BRAHMS, & LUCAS:	“Rolling ‘round the world, looking for the sunshine/that never seems to come my way...”
HARMAN:	“Last stop Gents’ Ready-Made Station and Ladies Wear Landing.  Please exit your coach post haste, but don’t forget to tip your Red Cap!”
RUMBOLD:	“What is the meaning of all this!”
HARMAN:	(Interrupting before PEACOCK can answer.)  “I would very much like to inform you of the magnitude of such a suspicious turn of events, but as the trains must keep running on time, I’ll have to depart un-interrogated.”  (HARMAN gives another blast of the train whistle and begins to move the clothing rail train off stage while singing.) “Once I built a railroad, made it run…”
As RUMBOLD turns to ask PEACOCK again, MR. GRAINGER wobbles in as quickly as he can; which is not too quick.  Following him is MR. MASH.  Between them is a long wooden pole, each end resting on one of their shoulders.  From the pole hangs a large selection of trousers.  Due to MASH and GRAINGER’S short stature and the pole flexing under the weight, some of the trousers are dragging on the sales floor.
GRAINGER	(Shouting) “Mr. Humphries, you’ve failed to keep your end up!”  
LUCAS:	“That’s not like you, Mr. Humphries.  Usually you can keep your end up for hours.”
HUMPHRIES:	(Trying to ignore the insult.)  “I used to be able to at least.” 
GRAINGER:	“My trousers are to the floor and I can’t handle my pole by myself!” (GRAINGER points to the dragging trousers.)
HUMPHRIES:	“Oh, I do apologize, Mr. Grainger.”
GRAINGER:	“Mr. Mash had to grab a hold of it.”  
HUMPHRIES:	“We’ll take that from you Mr. Grainger.”  (Signaling to LUCAS.)  
LUCAS:	“Who would have thought Mr. Grainger had a ten-foot pole!”  (LUCAS and HUMPHRIES take the pole of trousers from MASH and GRAINGER.  Despite their greater height, the pole bends even more and the trousers continue to drag.) “It’s not very stiff is it?”
GRAINGER:	“It’s old wood.  It’s not like it was in the old days.” (Still clueless to the double entendres.)
HUMPHRIES and LUCAS begin to carry the sagging trouser pole to the Men’s fitting room, with LUCAS leading.
BRAHMS:	(Sighing, tired LUCAS’ juvenile mind she attempts to get in a shot of her own.) “I knew Mr. Humphries would get Mr. Lucas to accept his pole eventually.”  (Hearing this, LUCAS stops on a dime, surprised and insulted.  He lowers the pole from his shoulder and turns to face BRAHMS in order to deliver a witty response, but HUMPHRIES is quicker.)
HUMPHRIES:	(Laughing in his high toned voice) “It was all a matter of time really!”  (HUMPHRIES pushes the pole’s end square into LUCAS’ chest and forces him backwards into the Men’s fitting room before LUCAS can respond.  LUCAS and HUMPHRIES exit.)
RUMBOLD:	(Exasperated) “Will someone please tell me what is going on!”
SLOCUMBE:	(Upset and short tempered) “That is what we should be asking you, Mr. Rumbold.  All we know is that Capt. Peacock told us that we needed to sell as much of our stock as we could before the staff is reduced.”
PEACOCK:	“That is not quite what I said, sir.” 
RUMBOLD:	“Well what did you say?”
PEACOCK:	“I told them it was very important that we sold as much as we could before the opening bell today, or there would be reductions.  I, however, didn’t tell them about what type of reductions, because you had not yet authorized me to do so.  Instead, I had the staff come in early...”
The Opening Bell rings.
RUMBOLD:	“If they came in early, that does not explain why they weren’t on the floor this morning, Capt. Peacock.”
PEACOCK:	“In order to explain sir, I would have to divulge the S-D-R program to the staff and you instructed me yesterday not so to do.”
RUMBOLD:	“Well that was yesterday.  Now that the S-D-R is officially in effect that censure has expired.”
With the pole unloaded in the fitting room, HUMPHRIES and LUCAS re-enter.
HUMPHRIES:	“What has expired?” (A bell chimes.)
BRAHMS:	“It’s Young Mr. Grace!”  (MISS BRAHMS points to the open lift.  YOUNG MR. GRACE enters with his chauffer, GODDARD.  This is witnessed by all except LUCAS and HUMPRIES whom are turned in the wrong direction to see the entrance.)
LUCAS:	(Astonished) “Mr. Grace is dead!?!”
YMG:	“Good Morning, everybody!”  (HUMPRIES and LUCAS jump, startled by the sudden appearance.)
ALL:	“Good morning, Mr. Grace!” (All bow to Mr. Grace)
YMG:	“Now what is this about my being dead?”
PEACOCK:	(Trying to avoid a long explanation) “It was just a rumor, sir.”
YMG:	“Ooooh, I hope there’s nothing’s in it!”
RUMBOLD:	(Brown-nosing) “No sir!  In fact, you’ve never looked better!”
LUCAS:	(Dryly, under his breath.)  “That doesn’t prove anything.”
YMG:	“In that case, I’m off to the strip club to find a new secretary!  The last one has used up all the lead in my pencil.  Goddard!”  (He turns to go, but is stopped by RUMBOLD)  
RUMBOLD:	“Before you leave, sir.  Would you like to inform the staff about the S-D-R, or shall I?”
YMG:	“Oh yes!  I have an announcement to make about the S-D-R.”
STAFF IN UNISON:	“S-D-R?”
YMG:	“The Staff-Discount-Reduction.  As sales the past month have fallen off dramatically, I’ve decided an incentive is needed to motivate you all to do better.  Therefore, I have reduced the staff discount until sales improve.”
SLOCUMBE:	“Reduced!  Reduced to what?”
YMG:	“To Zero.”
SLOCUMBE, BRAHMS, GRAINGER, HUMPRIES, & LUCAS:	“Zero!”
PEACOCK:	(Reassuringly) “Only as a temporary measure, of course.”
YMG:	“Yes, only temporarily.  …Unless sales decline more, then I reduce the staff to zero… permanently.  (Suddenly cheerful again) “Well, that takes care of that.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I heard a rumor that I’m going to see some strippers!”  (He starts to leave, but turns back), “You’ve all done…” (gloomily) “…not very well after all.”
ALL:	(Sarcastically) “Thank you, Mr. Grace.”  (All look around ominously.)
Scene dissolves into the next.

SCENE II
Inside RUMBOLD’s office, the STAFF, PEACOCK, and RUMBOLD are gathered.  RUMBOLD is seated.
RUMBOLD:	“I’ve called this meeting, because there have been important developments on the S-D-R front.  I’ve convinced Mr. Grace to postpone the S-D-R program for another day provided we can increase today’s sales.”
PEACOCK:	“That is good news sir.  We should all be able to pull together to do that considering the profit from this morning’s sale.”
RUMBOLD:	(Nervously) “Profit?  Well, we’ll see about that.  But before I can determine the profit, I still need truthful answers to two very important questions.  One: Were you all really selling goods out on the sidewalk this morning?”
PEACOCK, SLOCUMBE, BRAHMS, GRAINGER, HUMPHRIES, and LUCAS all look one way, then the other before facing RUMBOLD directly and answer in unison.
ALL:	“Yes.”
RUMBOLD:	(Looking even more nervous) “Two: Why were you all selling our goods out on the sidewalk this morning?” 
SLOCUMBE:	“Don’t ask me, I have no idea.  …And I am unanimous in that!”
BRAHMS:	“We’re all unanimous except for Capt. Peacock.  It was all his idea.”
PEACOCK:	“If I may, sir, seeing how I am the only one who was fully aware of the situation, perhaps I could explain.”
RUMBOLD:	“Oh, please do, Peacock!”  (Rumbold downs some aspirin.)
SLOCUMBE:	“I hope it is a good reason, because getting here early to sell my goods on the street corner was very taxing to my pussy!  She’s not used to being aroused so early in the morning”
RUMBOLD:	“…Peacock, get on with it!”
PEACOCK:	“When you informed me yesterday that Mr. Grace was cutting the staff discount due to slow sales, I had very little time to act.  So I instructed the staff to come in an hour and a half early and to prepare for anything.  I went home.  I pondered a solution.  Not knowing any other way to increase sales on such a short notice I thought the most logical solution was to have a sidewalk sale to increase our exposure to reluctant customers.”
LUCAS:	“And the more Mrs. Slocumbe exposed, the more reluctant the customers became!” (Giggling) (SLOCUMBE hit him in the arm.)
PEACOCK:	“Lucas!” (PEACOCK stares him down.)  
RUMBOLD:	“And did the unauthorized sidewalk sale work?”
GRAINGER:	“We did very well!  We managed to take in an extra ₤550.” 
RUMBOLD:	“₤550!  Is that all?”
HUMPHRIES:	(Puzzled) “That’s not bad for 45 minutes work on a street corner…”
SLOCUMBE:	“…Don’t say a word, Mr. Lucas!” (She raises her fist in warning)
RUMBOLD:	“Nevertheless, you exceeded your authority by selling goods in the street.  As it turns out, your actions were witnessed by a board member of Lally & Willetts and a trade union shop steward from Harrods.”
GRAINGER:	“Is that bad?”
RUMBOLD:	“Is that bad?!?  Only if you consider a ₤150 fine for ‘engaging in open-air commerce without a city permit’ is it bad.  Only if you consider needing to pay off a ₤200 bribe to settle a breech of trade union rules bad.   Only if you consider that we’ll have to pay another ₤400 to refute the bad press in the morning papers is bad!”  (RUMBOLD holds up a copy of the latest tabloid with a picture of the staff selling outside Grace Brothers’ under the caption ‘RETAIL GIANT COLLAPSES!  EVERYTHING MUST GO!’  He slams it down on his desk, opens a drawer, and pulls out a bottle of scotch and a shot glass.  He fills the glass and puts the bottle down on his desk.  PEACOCK snatches the shot glass before RUMBOLD can reach for it and downs it quickly.)
GRAINGER: 	(Missing the point) “Hardly makes earning the ₤550 worth the trouble.”  (RUMBOLD chugs the bottle.)
Scene II ends

SCENE III
On the sales floor, the staff is back to work trying to sell as best they can to regain their staff discount.  Instead of inspiring them, the S-D-R seems to have disheartened the staff and they begin to gossip.   PEACOCK patrols the floor.  As he makes his way out of earshot, SLOCUMBE and BRAHMS return to their gossiping.
BRAHMS:	“A five percent discount wasn’t much of anything; I don’t know why everyone is so worried about losing it.”
SLOCUMBE:	“The percentage has nothing to do with it, Miss Brahms; it is the principle of the matter.  Young Mr. Grace has insulted the dignity of our profession by denying us our staff discount.”
BRAHMS:	(Heavy on the accent) “What dignity does our profession ‘ave?  We sell bras and knickers to stuck-up, old dragons!”
SLOCUMBE:	(With a full, snobbish air) “Those in ‘High Society’ do not like to be referred to as ‘stuck-up, old dragons,’ Miss Brahms.  And those of us who are privileged to cater to the needs of those in ‘High Society’ are ourselves elevated through the act of providing such elite and stylish service.”  (SLOCUMBE turns away towards a well dressed, older LADY CUSTOMER whom approaches.) 
LADY CUSTOMER:  “Would you direct me to the Shoe Department, please.”
SLOCUMBE:	“I’m sorry, madam, I can not.”
LADY CUSTOMER: “Do you mean to say that you don’t know?”(Caught off guard)
SLOCUMBE:	“No, Madam.  I am the Head of the Ladies Department; of course I know where the Shoe Department is located.”
LADY CUSTOMER: “Then why can’t you direct me there?”
SLOCUMBE:	“Because Madam, directing the customer to the correct department falls under the jurisdiction of the floorwalker.”
LADY CUSTOMER: “Well can you direct me to the floorwalker?”
SLOCUMBE:	“Certainly, Madam… except that it is now time for my coffee break.  Miss Brahms…”  (BRAHMS, whom has been standing two paces of the entire time and intently following the conversation, glides over) “…would you please attract Captain Peacock’s attention for Madam.”
BRAHMS:	“Yes, Mrs. Slocumbe.”  (She raises her arm and elegantly waives her hand in PEACOCK’S direction.  Just before she can give out a call to attract his attention, SLOCUMBE interrupts.)
SLOCUMBE:	“After Captain Peacock has attended to Madam’s needs, will you take over the counter for me, Miss Brahms?  I will be off the floor for a few minutes.”
BRAHMS: 	“Certainly, Mrs. Slocumbe.”
SLOCUMBE:	“Thank You, Miss Brahms.  Good day, Madam.”(SLOCUMBE exits into the fitting room for a gin and no tonic.)
BRAHMS:	“Captain Peacock, are you free?”  (She calls loudly in her cockney accent.)
PEACOCK looks over towards the Ladies Department, then in the opposite direction, then back to BRAHMS.  Without saying a word, he walks over slowly and deliberately with a disapproving look on his face.
PEACOCK:	“Miss Brahms, it is not customary for a junior to summon a member of management.  If there is something important to ask, you should bring it to the attention of your direct superior, Mrs. Slocumbe.” (The LADY CUSTOMER tries to attract PEACOCK’S attention, but his gaze is fixed on BRAHMS)  “If she feels it is something that warrants my attention, then she, as Head of the Ladies Department, will bring it to my attention.  Is that not the correct procedure?”
BRAHMS:	(Back to her more pleasing salesgirl voice, with a slight air of flirtatiousness) “Under normal circumstances, I would to that, Captain Peacock.  Only this ain’t normal circumstances as Mrs. Slocumbe ain’t on the floor…”
PEACOCK:	“…Isn’t on the floor, Miss Brahms.”
BRAHMS:	“No, Captain, she ain’t.” (Misunderstanding the verbal correction)
PEACOCK:	“Why isn’t she on the floor, Miss Brahms?”
BRAHMS:	“’Cause it’s her coffee break.”
The LADY CUSTOMER stands by mesmerized by the verbal exchange
PEACOCK:	(Looking at his watch to confirm the time) “So it is.  In that case, that does make you the most senior saleswoman on the floor for the moment, and therefore in your capacity as temporary Head of the Ladies Department, you may summon me.”  (With a warm smile and friendly tone)  “What can I do for you, Miss Brahms?”
BRAHMS:	“This Madam ‘ere needs your assistance, Captain Peacock.”
PEACOCK:	“Thank You Miss Brahms.”  
BRAHMS:	“Good day, Madam.”  (She curtseys and exits.)
LADY CUSTOMER: (Now fully bewildered) “Thank you.”
PEACOCK:	(For the first time acknowledging the LADY CUSTOMER) “Ah, Madam.  How may I help you?”
LADY CUSTOMER: (Puzzled) “You know, I haven’t the faintest idea!  I know there was something I wanted.”
PEACOCK:	“I’m sure whatever it is, when Madam remembers, she will be able to find it here at Grace Brothers.  Until then, allow me the pleasure of escorting you to the lifts.”
The camera shifts over to the Men’s counter where GRAINGER and HUMPHRIES are whispering in a conspiratorial manner.
HUMPHRIES:	“What sort of reprimand?”
GRAINGER:	“Demotion!” (GRAINGER stands with his hands grasping his own lapels, tape around his neck, and grins like the Cheshire Cat nearly losing his dentures.  LUCAS enters from the fitting room and joins the gossip.)
LUCAS:	“Whose demotion?”
GRAINGER:	“Mr. Rumbold’s!”
HUMPHRIES:	“No!”
GRAINGER:	“I just heard it from Mr. Prentice of Paint & Hardware during my coffee break in the canteen.  After Young Mr. Grace returned from the strip club with a new girl, he found out about the ₤750 Mr. Rumbold had to pay to cover the Sidewalk fiasco.  The news of the lost money nearly did in Mr. Grace.”
HUMPHRIES:	“It’s a good thing his heart was still pounding from watching those strippers this morning or the news would have stopped it cold!” 
GRAINGER:	“As Captain Peacock didn’t have the authority to sanction the sidewalk sale, and as Mr. Rumbold wasn’t supposed to leak the word of the S-D-R to Peacock, the responsibility, in Mr. Grace’s opinion, fell squarely on Mr. Rumbold head.”
LUCAS:	“Was all that weight enough to flatten his ears?”
HUMPHRIES:	“Mr. Lucas, please!”
GRAINGER:	“Rumbold was furious of course, and tried to blame Captain Peacock and tried to sack him on the spot.”
LUCAS:	“Then why is Peacock still here?”
PEACOCK:	(Suddenly appearing out of nowhere.)  “Because, Mr. Lucas, packing department juniors do not have that authority.”
From the hallway behind the Men’s counter enters RUMBOLD in packing and maintenance garb, pushing in something large under a sheet.  He is followed by HARMAN and MASH, both of whom have big smiles on their faces.
MASH:	“’Ere, don’t hang about with that, Cuthbert!  Menial staff like you aren’t supposed to be on the sales floor in sight of the public.  You’ll give Grace Brothers a bad name.”
HARMAN:	(Giggling as he talks) “He already has!”
RUMBOLD:	“Yes, Mr. Mash.  Certainly, Mr. Mash.”  (RUMBOLD says slavishly.)
HARMAN:	“Silence you!  Do not speak unless spoken to!”
RUMBOLD:	“But Mr. Mash did speak to me!”
HARMAN and MASH swagger up closely to RUMBOLD like John Wayne and his stunt double.  They fold their arms and shoot him a dirty look.
MASH:	(To HARMAN) “It looks like we need to debag this one again, brother.  This non-union scum don’t seem to understand the full power of the union.”
HARMAN:	“Nor the proper method of bribing a superior what is in control of the fate of his employment.” (MASH and HARMAN extend their hands palm upwards looking for a tip.  Rumbold reaches into his pocket and pulls out a few small bills to pay them off.)
RUMBOLD:	“I’m sorry, sirs!  It won’t happen again.”
MASH:	“Back to the cellar with ya’!”
HARMAN:	“Then get the service trolley and take the paper up to the executive karsey, before Mr. Grace is taken short, or it’ll be on your ‘ead, it will.”
RUMBOLD:	“Right away, Mr. Harman; Mr. Mash.” (RUMBOLD touches his cap in salute then exits like a flash.)
PEACOCK:	“What is this, Mr. Harman?”  (He points to the object RUMBOLD brought in.  It is obviously some sort of new display dummy concealed under a sheet.)
HARMAN:	“That is what we in the trade call a dustcover, Captain Peacock.”
PEACOCK:	(Ignoring HARMAN) “Mr. Mash, before I send you off the floor, will you explain to us what this is?”
MASH:	(Not wanting to push his luck as far as HARMAN, he salutes in mock respect and yanks the cover of the dummy.) “Voila!  May I present to you, Mr. Freeze!”
Under the cover is now revealed a tall, handsome male dummy in a plain, ordinary black suit.  Everyone gathers closer to try to discern anything new or unusual.
LUCAS:	“It’s just an ordinary mannequin.  Is that it?”
MASH:	“It?  That is the latest in high Scandinavian coat-yer, that is!” (Mispronouncing ‘couture’)  “Mr. Freeze by day is your high class, James Bond, jet-setter out in his fancy togs wooing the young Swedish birds with their big…” (MASH gestures a large chest)
PEACOCK:	“…Mash!”
MASH:	“And by night, to protect himself from the bitter Arctic wind, all he has to do is tug on his super-spy hanky and…”
MASH pulls on the exposed handkerchief in the dummy’s suit coat pocket.  With a loud ‘Pooooof!’ the jacket instantly inflates into a parka complete with fir-lined hood that unfurls out from under the collar.
MASH:	“…instantly, he is ready for action with the snow bunnies!”
PEACOCK:	“Who is going to buy such an impractical article?!?”
HUMPHRIES:	“Someone who likes to go ‘Pooooof!’”
LUCAS:	“Well that’s okay to keep your top half warm, but it doesn’t do much for the legs?”
HARMAN:	“Don’t underestimate the Swedes!  Vikings are quite crafty, you know.  To inflate the trousers, you simply pull on the necktie.”
HARMAN reaches over and gives the tie a firm tug.  Unlike the quick inflation of the coat, the pants slowly inflate to match the coat… then they continue to inflate… then the coat also begins to inflate more… 
HUMPHRIES:	“Abandon Shop!!!”
Everyone scatters as the dummy’s outfit inflates to ridiculous proportions then explodes!  After the cloud of tattered cloth and vapor clear, a totally nude dummy stands unmoved.
LUCAS:	(Peering out from behind the counter) “You’re right, Mr. Mash!  He’s ready for the snow bunnies now!” 
Scene ends.

SCENE IV
In the canteen, the staff is having their lunch at their usual long table.  From left to right are an empty chair, Miss BRAHMS, Mrs. SLOCUMBE, PEACOCK, GRAINGER, HUMPHRIES, and LUCAS.  PEACOCK is busy trying to calculate the early sales figures while sipping his tea.
PEACOCK:	“How are your sales doing this morning, Mrs. Slocumbe?”
SLOCUMBE:	“We are ₤300 up on yesterday so far, Captain Peacock.”
PEACOCK:	“And you, Mr. Grainger?”
GRAINGER:	“We are up as well, aren’t we Mr. Humphries?”
HUMPHRIES:	“Yes we are, Mr. Grainger.  By my count, we’ve take in ₤500.  That should put us ahead ₤50.”
GRAINGER:	“Don’t forget the ₤550 we made there too.”
PEACOCK:	“Unfortunately, even with that amount added it will not be enough to satisfy the damage caused by the exploding dummy.”
HUMPHRIES:	“Mr. Grace can’t fault us for that.  It was shoddy display equipment.”
PEACOCK:	“He won’t.  I however intend to report to Young Mr. Grace that our sales have increased more than enough to cover it anyway.  With such a positive increase in the sales figures without the oversight of Mr. Rumbold, and only my leadership on the floor to explain it…”  (The staff rolls their eyes)  “…I will demonstrate my readiness to take over Mr. Rumbold’s old post.”
SLOCUMBE:	“It was not your leadership on the floor that did it, Captain Peacock.  It was mere luck we had willing customers today.”
PEACOCK:	(Smugly) “Whatever you think the reason may be I am confident I can get Young Mr. Grace to see my influence was responsible.”
RUMBOLD enters from the rear of the canteen.  Exhausted, he staggers up to the table where the STAFF sits and plops down in the empty chair at the end of the table, next to Miss BRAHMS.
 RUMBOLD:	(Sighs) “What a day!  If it wasn’t for those union rules about mandatory break times, Mash and Harman would still have me running around the store.  Fortunately, there is no way they can keep me from resting during the lunch hour.”
PEACOCK:	(In his most condescending tone) “They may not be able to keep you from taking a lunch break, but that does not entitle a junior member of maintenance to sit with the sales staff.”
HUMPHRIES:	“Oh give over, he’s still one of us.  And if we know anything, it is that Mr. Grace will forget everything in due time and things will soon be back to normal.”
RUMBOLD:	(Hopefully) “Do you really think so?”
HUMPHRIES:	(Dismissively) “Don’t speak until spoken to Cuthbert, or you can move to another table.”
From the executive dining room enters YOUNG MR. GRACE holding the arm of a very attractive and scantily clad young SECRETARY.  Following behind them is MR. DONALD REYNOLDS, a very tall, handsome, young, and professionally dressed man.
YOUNG MR. GRACE:	  “…That is an excellent idea, Reynolds.  I’ll put that before the board at the next meeting.” (Turns to the STAFF) “Good afternoon everybody!”
ALL:	(Rising slightly from their chairs) “Good afternoon, Mr. Grace!”
YMG:	“I would like to introduce you all to Mr. Donald Reynolds.  He will be taking over as Manager of your floor.  I hope you will give him the same respect you’ve always shown me…” (Taking a sideways look at RUMBOLD) “…Or more respect as needed.”
STAFF:	“Yes, Mr. Grace.”
YMG:	“Well, I’ll leave you all to get acquainted. I’ve got my own things to get acquainted with.” (He leers at the new SECRETARY’S chest and tugs at her arm, and then they leave.)
STAFF:	“Thank you, Mr. Grace.”
REYNOLDS:	“Right, where shall I begin?  As Mr. Grace has told you, I’m Mr. Reynolds and I’m very excited to get the chance to work with you all on the front lines.”  (He smiles, showing off large white teeth and a winning smile.  BRAHMS and SLOCUMBE swoon and giggle after making eye contact with the suave new Manager.) “And I am sure you will all be pleased having me behind you bringing up the rear.” (HUMPHRIES swoons and giggles.)  “I look forward to coming up with a new battle plan to advance our sales and I’m sure we’ll conquer our reluctant customers.  Peacock, I’ll see you in my office at two o’clock.  Until then, at ease everyone.” (REYNOLDS strides out quickly before anyone can raise a question.)
PEACOCK:	“Can you believe that?  What a pompous twit!  Is spouting military clichés all he does?”
BRAHMS:	(To get under PEACOCK’S skin) “I bet he’s a colonel.”
GRAINGER:	“He seemed like a very decent fellow to me.”
PEACOCK:	(Bitterly) “He’s nothing but a ladder-climbing yes man!”
HUMPHRIES:	“It’s amazing how far you can go by always saying yes.”
LUCAS:	“It is surprising you never went farther, Mr. Humphries!”
HUMPHRIES:	(Coyly) “I’ve always answered maybe.”
SLOCUMBE:	(Sadly) “In this case, it was saying yes to our early morning money-making scheme that cost the firm all that money.  Saying yes is what got Mr. Rumbold relegated.”
RUMBOLD:	“No, spending the money wasn’t what got me relegated.  The money was going to get me fired.  But when Mr. Grace’s found out I had hired him a male secretary, he thought firing me was letting me off too easy.”
PEACOCK:	“So why was Mr. Reynolds hired to replace you?  I thought I would be the logical choice to take over your job.”
RUMBOLD:	“You were up for it of course, but since I had officially offered a position at Grace Brothers to an accredited member of the secretarial union, Mr. Grace couldn’t fire Mr. Reynolds without just cause and full severance pay.  So he had to be kept on.”
LUCAS:	“And because his last name also begins with an ‘R’, Rumbold’s monogrammed towels in the executive washroom won’t go to waste.”
Everyone ignores LUCAS.  RUMBOLD continues.
RUMBOLD:	“Mr. Grace gave him my job because it was the only vacancy left outside his office.”  (Now thoroughly depressed, he waxes philosophic.)  “C’est la vie!  In a way it was for the best.  This way I still have a job and my pension to look forward to.  I’m sure I’ll eventually learn to live with the humiliation.”  (Rumbold pulls himself up and wanders away from the canteen defeated.)
PEACOCK:	(Putting down his pad and pen) “Suddenly the thought of advancement has lost its attraction.  You were right Mrs. Slocumbe, it was our scheme that got Mr. Rumbold relegated, not his.  He shouldn’t go down on our account.”
SLOCUMBE:	“Your scheme Capt. Peacock.  Not ours.”
BRAHMS: 	“Whoever’s fault it was, with Mr. Grace all goggley-eyed over his new bit of fluff, that gung-ho Mr. Reynolds will have us all running ragged to prove his worth.”
HUMPHRIES:	“At least with Old Rumbold he would accept a slow day’s sales from us occasionally.  He did fight for us to avoid the Staff Discount Reduction, you know.”
SLOCUMBE:	“Quite right!  If Mr. Grace gets into the habit of firing or relegating us for such little cause we’re all likely to be replaced by chorus girls and barmaids on a whim.”
LUCAS:	“And the drawback to that would be?...” (After not getting a response, he sips his coffee.)	
GRAINGER:	“Yes, but how do we get Mr. Rumbold back when our sales figures have gone up?”
The STAFF all shrug their shoulders and rub their chins in deep thought as the camera fades and the scene closes.

SCENE V
Inside Mr. RUMBOLD’s office, that is now Mr. REYNOLDS’S office, Mr. REYNOLDS is hard at work organizing graphs and charts and sales figures.  The phone rings.
REYNOLDS:	“Reynolds here…  Yes…  Good, send Peacock in.”
The door opens and Capt. PEACOCK enters then shuts the door behind him.
PEACOCK:	“You wanted to see me… sir?” (The contempt in his voice at having to address a much younger boss went unnoticed by the busy new executive.)
REYNOLDS:	“How are the sales this afternoon?”
PEACOCK:	“Unfortunately Mr. Reynolds, the sales seem to have stagnated.”
REYNOLDS:	(Suddenly giving PEACOCK his full attention) “Stagnated?”
PEACOCK:	“To put it mildly, sir, yes.  To be more succinct, they have stopped completely.”
REYNOLDS:	“But how could sales have stopped so suddenly?”
PEACOCK: 	“Well, I do have a theory on that, but it is only a theory and I’m a bit embarrassed to bring it up…”
REYNOLDS:	“Please Peacock, let’s hear it!  Don’t be shy.  When it comes to the operation of this floor under my administration, I want to explore every avenue of improvement.”
PEACOCK:	(PEACOCK hesitates and looks unwilling, but then reluctantly acquiesces.) “To be frank sir, the staff’s moral is low.”
REYNOLDS:	“Low?”
PEACOCK:	“Yes sir.”  (PEACOCK paces a bit more for dramatic effect.)  “Mr. Rumbold, for all his faults, was a very dear figure to them.  They used to love his inspirational speeches.” (Laying it on a bit thick)  “His keen intellect and leadership by example... the staff thrived on his compliments.  But now they seem… they seem uninspired, unsure.”
REYNOLDS:	“Unsure of what?”
PEACOCK:	“Unsure of…”
REYNOLDS:	“Unsure … of me?”
PEACOCK:	“Yes sir.”
REYNOLDS:	(Completely disheartened, REYNOLDS falls back into his chair.) “Why should they feel unsure?  I thought I gave a rather rousing pep talk in the canteen?  At least I don’t think I said anything untoward that would harm their moral?”
PEACOCK: 	(Reassuringly) “Oh no sir!  You didn’t say anything bad at all!  Only…”
REYNOLDS:	“Only what?”
PEACOCK:	“Well sir, you must understand…  This floor is devoted to Men’s and Women’s fashion wear.  We have always prided ourselves on the stock that we sell here at Grace Brothers.  Rumbold, myself, the rest of the staff; we didn’t only work here, we shopped here.  We wore our Grace Brothers garments with pride and respect.  And you sir… well…”
REYNOLDS:	“I don’t wear a Grace Brothers suit?”
PEACOCK:	“Correct sir.”
REYNOLDS:	“Why that is ridiculous!” (He laughs loudly)  “The staff demoralized because of my suit!  This is a good suit; I bought it at Harrods for £400!”
PEACOCK:	“Precisely!  You didn’t buy it from them and they worry that if you aren’t loyal to their clothing…”
REYNOLDS:	“…That I won’t be loyal to them?”
PEACOCK:	“Precisely!  And there is a simple solution to the problem… Mr. Grainger, Mr. Humphries!”
In through the door, from behind which they must have been waiting for a long time, come GRAINGER and HUMPHRIES. Through the open doorway can be seen LUCAS rummaging through a full rolling rack of suits. HUMPHRIES immediately helps REYNOLDS off with his Harrods suit coat.  GRAINGER takes the measuring tape from around his neck and begins measuring REYNOLDS’S sleeve length.
HUMPHRIES:	“What would you suggest, Mr. Grainger?”
GRAINGER:	“Given sir’s height, I think a 42 long with a thin, understated pin-stripping would do well.  Mr. Lucas, the brown!”
Into the office comes LUCAS carrying a brown sport jacket.  Without missing a step he places it on REYNOLDS.  Behind him enter SLOCUMBE and BRAHMS.
LUCAS:	“A good fit Mr. Humphries!”
HUMPHRIES:	“Yes, the fit seems nice, and don’t worry sir, the sleeves will ride up with… OH!”  (HUMPHRIES stops with a shock)  “The sleeves actually fit!”
SLOCUMBE:	“But the brown doesn’t match his trousers at all.”
GRAINGER:	“Quite right Mrs. Slocumbe!  This type brown is difficult to match.  I think we have a matching pair of trousers in stock.”
HUMPHRIES:	“I know just the pair you mean, Mr. Grainger.”
SLOCUMBE:	“And I saw the perfect tie and handkerchief combo on the central display.  It would go lovely with his eyes.”
BRAHMS:	(Producing a bill pad and pencil) “Shall we put this all on your account sir?  At the management staff discount price, of course?
REYNOLDS:	(Looking pleased at the energy the Men’s Department staff is now showing.)  “Certainly!  After the proper alterations, have my new clothing delivered directly, Mr. Grainger.  I would like to change as soon  as possible.  And I hope this proves to you all my devotion to Grace Brother’s and to my wonderful staff.”
STAFF IN UNISON: “Yes, Mr. Reynolds.” (They bow.)
REYNOLDS:	“Seeing you all motivated so, I have no doubt about our future success together.  I expect to be very proud of seeing your improved performance figures!”
LUCAS:	“You definitely will be swelling with pride, sir!” (LUCAS says giggling.)

Scene ends.

Final Scene
The day is concluding on the sales floor.  The closing bell rings as the staff finishes putting the last dust covers over their counters.  A tired Mr. RUMBOLD staggers down the stairs towards the staff with his maintenance cap in his hand.  Following him are MASH and HARMAN looking very triumphant. 
RUMBOLD:	“Captain Peacock, I know I have no right to do so, but may I have a moment with your staff before you all go?
PEACOCK:	“Everyone gather round, please.”  (The staff obeys happily.)
RUMBOLD:	(In a nearly tearful, defeated voice) “Now I know I have failed you all and have been demoted for it.  That I have failed in my leadership, I am truly sorry.  I also regret that I must leave you in the hands of Mr. Reynolds; an inexperienced yet fair man.  I hope you will treat him with as much respect as you did me.”
HUMPHRIES:	“Oh, we shall!” (He chimes gleefully.)
RUMBOLD:	“As for me, I cannot continue in Packing and Maintenance.”  (MASH and HARMAN nod approvingly)  “I am resigning this post as I cannot survive another day under Mash and Harman.  But before I go I wanted to convey to you my sincere gratitude for all you kind years of service to me, to the store, and to my departm…” (He pulls out a handkerchief and wipes his nose, unable to continue)
SLOCUMBE:	“You are very welcome Mr. Rumbold, but I don’t think you should say goodbye just yet…”
At that moment, Mr. DONALD REYNOLDS walks onto the floor behind YOUNG MR. GRACE, whom is holding the arm of his SECRETARY.  REYNOLDS is wearing his new Grace Brothers suit. By the way he is jockeying for position to talk to MR. GRACE, REYNOLDS is obviously still trying to convince him he is worthy of his new position.
YMG:	“I’m not pleased with the afternoon’s sales figures, Donald.  You had better improve them tomorrow.”
REYNOLDS:	“We will Mr. Grace!  I’m sure the staff and I are eager to make a go of it!”
LUCAS:	“Just a minute sir, you tie is a bit crooked…”
PEACOCK:	“And your handkerchief’s a bit limp…”
LUCAS gives REYNOLDS’ tie a tug and PEACOCK gives the handkerchief a pull.  With a hiss, the suit starts to inflate and a startled REYNOLDS is unable to move.  In unison, each of the staff takes three measured steps back.  In fear, YOUNG MR. GRACE hugs his SECRETARY.  Then ‘POOOOOOOF!’  REYNOLDS’ suit explodes, leaving him stark naked except for his shoes, socks and what’s left of the cuffs of his shirtsleeves around his wrists.  The elastic band of his Y-fronts falls to his ankles.  Shocked and embarrassed, DONALD REYNOLDS dives behind a rolling clothes rack and grabs a trench coat off a hanger.
YMG:	“He certainly is eager to make a go of it!”
SECRETARY:	“He sure is!” (The SECRETARY lets go of YOUNG MR. GRACE’S arm and latches on to the trench coated REYNOLDS.  Apparently after the explosion, there was something she saw about him she fancied…)
SLOCUMBE:	(Feigning shock.) “Well now I’ve seen everything!”
BRAHMS:	“So have we all!  ‘Ere, we can’t have ‘im running our department.  He’s a disgrace!”
HUMPHRIES:	“And it’s a rather large disgrace!” (He fans his blushing face with his hand.)
YMG:	“Quite right.  Reynolds, you’re fired.”  (With a resigned shrug, REYNOLDS and the overtly amorous SECRETARY leave in a hurry, hand in hand.)  “Rumbold, as of tomorrow morning you’re back in charge.  Let’s have everything back to normal.” (Under his breath he adds), “At least I know Rumbold can keep his pants on!”
PEACOCK:	“Just a minute, sir!  Does this mean the S-D-R won’t be implemented?”
YMG:	“I just implemented it! I just Sacked Donald Reynolds!”
Cue End Music.  End Credits roll.  Individual shots follow with actor name credits of all the staff including MASH and HARMAN leaving quickly as a vengeful RUMBOLD runs after them.  YOUNG MR. GRACE playfully tugs at MISS BRAHM’S frills… nothing happens.  MR. HUMPHRIES tugs at MR. LUCAS’S tie… nothing happens.  MRS. SLOCUMBE with a wink to the camera, tugs on CAPTAIN PEACOCK’S ties, then leaves.  As the screen fades to black, you start to see PEACOCK’S coat expanding…